Shrivelled white willies and the chicken and the egg
Today I have noticed properly for the first time, how cold our house actually is. It wasn't during my morning cigarette when I couldn't tell when to stop exhaling, and it wasn't when I opened the fridge to get the morning cuppa's milk and stood basking in the warmer climate that we keep the cheese and butter in. It was in fact when I went for my morning tinkle and viewed the pathetic looking party sausage that I call my tiny Tony (when it's happy it looks like Herr Blair wearing a hoodie, when it's sad it looks like a nervous Eskimo in a field of golden corn).
However, this morning it looked like Mother Teresa before she did her morning push-
As well as its football fans and reptilian royals, England is famous round the globe for its shitty weather. Don't get me wrong, it's nice sometimes and do I find that it suits my untanned and generally glum appearance but I do believe it has led to a curious result in terms of evolution. I haven't traveled Europe looking at the general Caucasian member so I can only speak from personal exploration, curious glances while visiting uk urinals and the various artistic movies I occasionally view for the purpose of stress and fluid removal, but I have noticed that we skinny white guys who originate from this chilly climate do appear to have smaller dingles than the guys with the dongles who live in the more equator based areas.
We also seem to be a lot more uptight, if you look at who invented guns, bombs and Sainsbury's you always seem to find a little white guy with a strange urge to kill and shouldn't be allowed to keep gerbils (especially if he refers to it as his furry tampon).
Looking at African and native American history (the true versions, not the one's taught in schools) you seem to find happy, peaceful, spiritual people who'd never even considered inventing things like reality TV shows and the Spice Girls
The more I look at it (the theory, not my willy), I feel the guys with the shriveled pasty mushrooms during the chilly winter months definitely end up more uptight and inventing horrible replacement winkles (don't let them tell you a missile is that shape for aerodynamic purposes. It's because it looks like a big cock and the inventor had a really little one and looked like a fat hairy girl when he took his clothes off)
Before I distract myself completely from the purpose of this piece of creative writing, I will get straight to the point.
While wondering about the wee winkle that is the white willy I suddenly
remembered my days in the boy scouts. Before we went on a camping expedition to a
particularly cold part of our lovely country (Basingstoke) our group leader (big
bear or something) told us how to spot hypothermia. We were informed that when we
got really cold our heads would go numb and our fingers and toes would stop working.
This, we were told, was so that our bodies could keep the more essential bits like
the heart and liver going until a St Bernard came along to save the day. This led
to us asking why God would stop our fingers working when surely our fingers could
have been used to get our jumpers from our rucksacks and this led to the Scout leader
(fat fish) telling us not to blaspheme and to be grateful that he (God) (stinky beaver
was a sexist) didn't stop our essential bits, that you need to survive in England,
from working. We were all grateful to the lord our father for only stopping our brains,
fingers and toes from functioning and stood round the flag and sang ging-
Looking back on this period of my life now that I am a mature adult, searching
for truth amongst the lies, I am led to the conclusion that the old chap ceases to
function when the weather is of a particularly cold and frosty nature, and as it
is cold and frosty here most of the time, that is why the owners of the white willy
are uptight and spread our silly western world philosophy (kill, conquer and open
a MacDonald's) everywhere we go. From a fundamentalist viewpoint, scripture says
these things shall come to pass and we are not to be afraid (Matthew 24:6-
Once again I drift from the point, which as I mentioned earlier is a question. I noticed earlier today that when people are cold and the unfortunate ones get hypothermia, and their fingers, toes and brains stop working, the owners of the shriveled white willy also lose the feeling that makes them want to procreate (do it), either with a partner of their choosing or to have a practice session on their own (other things that can cause this include stress, depression, CNN and Margaret Thatcher). I therefore reach the conclusion that the owners of a dingle (a small white penis), wherever they may have migrated and spread to on the planet, consider their widdlers to be as unimportant as their toes when faced with a case of the chills and have added it to the list of body parts to shutdown in cold weather. If we didn't, we'd get stiffys when we open our trousers on frosty mornings and warm our hands (and toes if you can reach) and probably not have ended up buying big cars and bombing poor people in other countries (or people in London if you're the government and it's a day of symbolic astrological importance).
Basically, my question is which came first, the uptight angry western belief system that has led to the New World Order's ability to control us without our knowledge because we are led to focus on our personal insecurities, or white guys with little nobs not cracking one in the morning because it's too cold? Sort of a chicken and egg thing
Please write back and let me know, I normally spend all day wanking and this questions really interrupted my schedule (not to mention the bathroom rota)
Even the thought of chickens and eggs isn't doing it for me today, your assistance is required